Here are things

Watch this video and you will understand me more I promise.

What my depression feels like
This is exactly how i feel. I wish i could do this. Put thoughts into words.

The fact that I cant order food at restaurants

That Im so so so so tired right now but I dont wanna close the computer screen because I will be left alone to the dark.

That i dont even wanna go to sleep because- then to next day will come faster

That Im planning on how to get out of tomorrow's activities

That I almost cried today because I went into the store by myself and tried to buy something and i was 10 cents short and was so embarrassed that I just kept apologizing to the girl.

That I will eat the entire water melon. I will eat the green part so I dont have to get up to throw it away cause I dont want people watching me walk.

That I would rather wipe my running nose onto my shirt than get up in class and have to go ask someone for some tissue or where the bathroom is.

That I will start to have anxiety and will start freaking out if my mom asks me to take my little brother to the bathroom while out eating.

That every single day when we take attendance, I practice saying "Here" in my mind about 200 times and then when I say it, I think that I sounded weird and ponder over it for the next 30 minutes.

Breathing is a chore. Breathing. When I am breathing I think to myself, am I breathing to loud, am I breathing to fast? To which I focus on my breathing causing me to breathe even faster cause I held my breathe for to long.

That I have to constantly have a phone in my hand. This is not because Im obsessed with it, sometimes I am not even using it, just turning it on and off and on and off because in social situations that is my security blanket something I can hold on to, something grounding.

I cannot call anyone for the life of me. I dont know how to end a conversation or keep one going. I forget what I am ordering from the Chinese restaurant.

Okay I have to get dressed

TTFN💙  

What The Future Holds.

So my plan for the future is ruined. I was either going to take cosmotology classes at South or graduate in a year at Penn Foster and start college. Well someone who doesnt care about my feeling and plans decided to put me in k12 Georgia Cyber Academy.

I thought I wanted to be a cosmetologist, start my own business but I really dont. I dont want to cut hair. I want to something that takes my passions and creates something meaningful and fulfilling.

I took a sketchy career test and here are the results listed to highly fit to and down:

1. Communications
2. Buisness
3. Multimedia
4. Education
5. Social Science
6. The Arts (how is this all the way down here)
7. Culinary 
8. Finance 
9. Technology
10. Legal

The test's results also ranked my ideal work environment from most ideal to ewe:

• Client Facing
• Collaborative
• Outdoors

May I say that in order for it to be something you should considered it is said that the interest  level should be at least at 60%

Client facing: 66.67

Collaborative:33.3%

Out doors: 0%

If you know me, you know I prefer to work alone I hate trying to spare someones feelings when they are wrong, I also like control with my work. My way or no way. In other aspects I hate control and would have anyone decide any decision. 

I love the arts, I love math, I love talking to people, and Im very tech savy. I have experience in web design, photography, anything with editing. So I think thats what I am going to do.

Then again, I cant even drive yet. I have time, but in the mean time I should take some graphic electives. Hmmm

TTFN💙

Slumber party

So today was amazing. The beginning of it sucked. But as the day progressed it got increasingly better. I found some Adidas pants and brand new white keds at Goodwill which is great since Im not getting a back to school haul like the majority of people. Then when I got home a package that I have been waiting excitedly for arrived and I was not disappointed with its contents in the slightest, also Twenty One Pilots dropped a music video for their new song Nico and the Niners in which they included a scene of them doing the same handshake from their stressed out video. So over all today has been one of the best in a while.

My little cousin Jordan is sleeping with me tonight because I being the chill person I am, I let him stay up with my and eat junk food that I have stored away. This boy is super smart he is only in 1st grade but he is reading along to this as I write which is really impressive

mommy i love you the most

I had him write a sentence by himself so i can show you guys how amazingly smart he is.

That is all for tonight.

TTFN💙

What day is it

Here is something I dont really discuss. I have a love hate relationship with food. My entire life people kept telling me to eat more. That i was a twig. That I was too skinny. They would wrap their thumb and pinky around my wrist trying to see if they could make them touch. They would point out that my ribs were showing when I wore a bikini.
That was a couple years ago. Now I hear "you are so lucky to be skinny", "I wish I had your body". No you do not. Because in today's world beautiful is: big boobs, small waist, big butt, but no stretch marks. So no, you do not want my body. The body that made the boys in my 6th grade 1st period class tell me that my chest was so flat it looked like a tabled warped inwards. No you do not want the body that allows people to point out my butt or lack therefore of.
Maybe skinny was beautiful 10 years ago but thick is in. I dont understand why all body types cant be accepted but thats just the way it is.

In the 7th grade I began to starve myself. Not because I wanted to be skinnier, I wanted to hurt. It was fun. No one took notice since I rarely ate before. I would skip out on dinner which was the only meal I ever eat during the school year. I didnt have time for breakfast, school lunch is crap, and at dinner I "had a big lunch, I was full". I loved watching my weight plummet. That lasted only 3 months.

Starting in May of this year I would eat, and eat, and eat to the point where I would want to throw up but i would just ignore it. I wanted to gain weight, wanted to get the boobs all the guys desired. Wanted my body to be acknowledged. In sex ed we watched videos about eating disorders, about anorexia and bulimia. I wasnt bulimic because I didnt throw up. I realized my eating disordered was just considered a binge that didnt end.
I stopped doing this on June 17. I was on the cruise and became very depressed and suicidal. I had nothing to do so I would stay in my cabin and sleep. This caused me to miss most meals. When I did come out of my room and eat I would become sick to my stomach. I stopped eating. I went 3 days with only eating a candy bar and a plate of fries.

Im now at a point where i dont know if I want to lose or gain weight. I hate my stomach. Its not flat. I see these girls from my school in bikinis with flat defined stomachs and I look 2 months pregnant. This makes me not want to eat. Then I remember that I dont want to look like a 5 year old the rest of my life and want to eat to get boobs. I dont know. Ill let you know when I decide.

TTFN💙    

Outside things

(Written this morning)
im currently sitting outside. With depression you need to feel things to reassure yourself that you are in fact still alive.

what i see:

• The sun's rays broken up by the pine trees
• A rusted blue ford truck that is oh so pretty
• Pink flowers in the mist of about 20 dead ones.
• The soft waves of the creek.
• a slug thats sitting next to me... i found 5 more slugs. I think they are a family.
• A cardinal that is really really I dont know it is so pretty and I already used pretty in describing something but this bird's feathers are the color of my cheeks after you call me cute, the color of the wine my mom drinks after a long day, the color of the blood that gives life. So gorgeous. It flew past me and I just looked at it in awe
• There is a copper frog about the size of a half dollar sitting at my feet
• A tiny ant making its way up the railing of the stairs
• A spider web glistening in the suns light. Moving back and forth with the morning's breeze.

What I hear:

• Birds singing 
• The faint whisper of the creek
• The hum of the neighbor's AC
• Dodie Clark singing in my earphones
• Rustling of trees as the morning birds wisp through them

What I feel: 

• The sun's glow warming my cheeks, it's making me smile
• The cold stairs I am sitting on
• The morning fog's dampness on my legs
• The warmth of my coffee mug

What I smell:

• The freshly cut lawn
• The morning dew on each blade of grass
• The sweet smell of petrichor after the night's rain 

pet·ri·chor

ˈpeˌtrīkôr/

noun

1. a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather.

   
   

   "other than the petrichor emanating from the rapidly drying grass, there was not a trace of evidence that it had rained at all"

• The french vanilla steam coming from my coffee

What I taste:

• The warm coffee that ive been running on for two days straight, making its way to my stomach warming up an empty pit

TTFN💙

Heyy

Hey guys, if you couldnt tell by me not posting in 6 days, things are getting bad in the head of Kara.
This blog is called Inside The Head of Kara Skrapka because I planned to use thisas my therapy. I know some of the things I share on this blog can be considered over sharing but I dont care. Ive been told that somethings shouldnt be said to the public. Well, it is my life and my choice. I feel that if I can put my life out here, allowing you to see that we are all human that I have good days and bad days. Hopefully this will turn into a success story of how I grew from my shortcomings. That I came back stronger so I will continue to share.

I feel terrible. I was so proud of myself cause I showered yesterday. There are days you just know its going to be a bad day. My head is foggy. I feel numb. I cant think. I cant sleep. I woke up at 3 am and havent slept since. I have become frustrated because I cant express how im feeling. I sat on the floor the other day, ukulele in hand, crying because I wanted to put my feelings into words and I couldnt. So I just strummed and cried.

Then there are times I cant even cry. There is an anchor in m chest, the pressure in my head increases. I need to cry, I want to cry but I cant.

Just letting you know. In case I disappear for a bit. Im dealing with stuff.

TTFN💙

Kurt Cobain's Death Pt2

Kurt Cobain was found in his greenhouse in Seattle, WA. Inside Kurt was on the ground, grasping a gun in his left hand, with a shot to the head. His heroin and his supplies were neatly put away next to him. The door to the greenhouse was locked from the inside.

200 mg were injected into Kurt's body. This is 3 times more than the lethal amount.If anything was gonna kill Kurt it wouldve been the drugs. Kurt would have been way to high if not unconscious to be able to clean and put away his heroin tubes and needles. Way to high to have pulled the trigger.

Kurt Cobain was found grasping the gun in his left hand. If he were to have shot himself then the shell wouldve have also been found to his left. However, the shell was laying on his right side. "when as the SPD report states "the Remington 20 gauge shotgun was lying on victim's chest with the receiver facing up." If the receiver was facing up, then in that position the shell would have ejected in the direction of Cobain's right arm rather than his left". (New clues emerge in police review of Cobain suicide file)

The door to his greenhouse was locked from the inside, with no evidenced of forced entry. So how could it have been a suicide. The lock on the door was a simple twisty lock. Not a deadbolt or a latch. The killer couldve simple opened the door,locked it, and closed it.


This was short. But long overdue. More to come.

TTFN💙

A rose growing in cement

In 7th grade we were given different poems to base a narrative on. I received this one. I saw hope in this poem as a glowing theme. Something beautiful dealing with hardship doing everything it can to hold onto life in a world of cement.  

I wrote about suicide, my mom also received a phone call from my guidance counselor, which  I took as a compliment saying my writing was convincingly good. 

     In short, the girl in my poem had a hard life. Her parents were divorced, her dad an alcoholic. She dealt with depression and anxiety and was going to kill herself that night. As she was walking, lost in thought, finalizing her goodbyes in her head, she saw a rose growing in the cracks of cement. She stopped and looked at this flower. The rose was beautiful, it was slouching over a little bit, in need of water, but it was alive. The girl took this as a sign, as a sign of hope. For, if this rose could grown when no one else cared she too could survive. 

I know there is no conclusion to the post. I dont know 

TTFN💙

Self care with depression

Depression is exhausting. It can take everything you have just to get up in the morning.This can leave no energy to shower, wash your face, brush your teeth, put clean clothes on, and eat. Trust me I know. Some days I cant even comb my hair. Like today,I am laying in bed writing this hopefully to motivate me to shower because I still have my makeup on from yesterday.

I did some 'research' and here is what I have found. Now I know that these might be to much for you on very low days, but if you can do it, try.

If you have not eaten, have some fruit or nuts. Light but helpful

Have some water with lemon. It will wake you up

You probably havent showered in four days, if you want to wake up take a cold shower, if you want a relaxation a hot shower. However, make sure its not to hot. Dont burn yourself.

Put on something clean. An over-sized sweater will work if you want comfort.

Drink some tea. Did you know holding a mug of tea or coffee with its warmth can stimulate human touch which can help calm you? My mom made fun of me when I told her that.

Brush you teeth and hair. If anything have a stick of gum, comb your fingers through your hair.

Go outside. Sit on your drive way. Take in the sun. I suggest taking off your over-sized wearing short sleeves. Let the sun warm your skin. 

Sit in the family room. Listen to life. I am doing this currently and it feels a lot better than being in my room thats covered in dishes.

Tidy up your room. A cluttered space is a cluttered mind. 

Start with making your bed

Take out and wash the dishes

Do laundry

This is the best I have. It helps me when I try to pamper myself. I put on a face mask, wash my hair, sometimes if I have time I take a bath with bathsalts, lavender bubbles, candles, put my makeup on, and I dress nicely. It also helps if I make my own breakfast. Like I said, there will be days you cant do any of these. Yesterday was one of those days. Where you wake up and know the depression has taken over. Maybe you will be lucky enough that your family doesnt drag you outside to run errands while you are on the verge of an anxiety attack cause you know you just arent up to going.

TTFN💙

11:30

idk

i need to focus on something that is not the great fear in my stomach 

or how i feel as if there is breathing down my neck.

Fandoms I am slightly or completely apart of

SHERLOCK FREAKING HOLMES. EVEN MORE BENEDICT FREAKING CUMBERBATCH. This is my husband as i mentioned in my very first blog post
Either way just look at him.

Those cheekbones could cut someone!!!

The flash. Grant Gustin in my opinion is just...idek. He is one of my celebrity crushes and I feel that if i was any superhero I would be most like the socially awkward nerd: the flash.

The arrow. I had the great privilege of seeing Stephen Amell in person and My eyes were blessed. I feel that certain people reading this will be jealous of how much I love these icons. In all honesty I dont think I ever got past season 5 of the arrow because I lost interest in 4 but OI had to keep going to see if it got better.

Do you guys remember Smallville. I hate that they only showed Clark as superman like once at the very end but whatever. Oh and the girl who played Lily just got arrested for sex traficing. Info on that here

How I met Your Mother: this series also includes a celebrity crush of mine. Though he is gay. It's okay. But Niel Patrick Harris is just soooooo.

Im done im too hungry for this.









PSA: I dont know why all of my celebrity crushes are white when IRL i dont really find white people that attractive.

Ukulele tips

Its 1230 am and im in the living room watching the office.
Im bored
and alone


Duuuuudeee twenty one pilots new song nico and the niners is so good please listen to it.
Nico and the Niners




So im gonna talk about the ukulele. This should be on my music blog but whatever.

To learn the ukulele you need to know a couple main things

• the four basic chords
• your fingers' assigned numbers
• the strings assigned numbers
• how to strum
• the basic build to a uke

The main chords you need to know are

C major 

maybe i should start with strings and frets....

OKKKAAAYYY... forgive me its 12 am

The ukulele has 4 strings

The basic tuning for a soprano ukulele is GCEA

When talking about a certain string of the ukulele we count the strings starting with the one farthest away from you. So string one is the string farthest away from you which is tuned to A. The second string- E The third string-C The fourth string-G.

The next main thing is the fret board. 

A basic soprano ukulele can have about 12-17 frets. Each fret is separated by a little line

On the fret board you can find little white dots. These dots can help you find which fret you need faster. My ukulele has a dot on the 5th, 7th, 10th,12th, and 15th fret. This is so when you are doing a finger style plucking on the ukulele you can transition faster.

Your fingers are also numbered to help you form chords. 

 

Now we can move on to chords. 

The major chords you will need to know are C, F, Am, and G. These are chords that can be found in a majority of songs.

 The C major chord is one of the easiest chords. This chord is made by placing your third finger on the first string, third fret. It will look like this

The next major chord is F major. This can be played by putting your first finger on the second string first fret and your second finger on the fourth string, second fret.

A minor is very simple if you can do F. Simply just lift up your first finger. There you have Aminor. Your second finger on the fourth string, second fret.

Last but not least. G major. This will be the toughly of the four. Your first finger will be on the third string, second fret, your second finger on the first string second fret, and your third finger, on the second string, third fret. 

Well I hoped that helped. I will now attempt to explain how to strum a ukulele. This may sound stupid but strumming was the hardest thing for me. When you strum down you use the nail bed of your fingers. With your fingers slightly together, slightly bent, and keep it loose. Man youre playing the ukulele. Relax. When strumming up use the fleshy part of your fingers.

Here is a link to help you. How to strum a ukulele

With these chords you can play some of my favorites

• House of Gold
• I dont know my name
• Riptide
• Im Yours
• counting stars
• Stay with me

All I can say is keep practicing. You will get it in no time.

Imma put some links to the ukuleles I absolutely adore.

Cordoba Uke

My ukulele

Kala is a good brand

I love Cordoba their ukuleles are amazing!!!

My uke is good but could be better quality however I love it with all my heart.

I will also leave some of my favorite ukulele playing youtubers with tutorials

The uke teacher

Elise Ecklund

Ten Thumbs

Okayy sleep now

TTFN💙

A list of my favorite random facts

Have you ever just posted something a keep refreshing the screen seeing if anyone saw it or liked it until your fingers hurt. (This isnt depressing i promise)

okay... just me


side note: i cannot express to you how happy i am that i earned to spell favorite after all these years.
also this will have no capitalization cause im lazy.

• did you know that cashews come from a fruit (Click this)
• slugs have four noses
• in 1979 Sweden being gay was considered an illness so as a comeback people started calling into work sick saying they couldnt come into work because they were feeling "gay today"
• Hitler's mom wanted an abortion but doctors convinced her not to
• pantophobia, not the fear of pants tho if thats what u were thinking. its the fear of everything... including pants i suppose
• if you life a kangaroos tail off the ground it cant hop
• Walt Disney was a chain smoker and thats why his famous point is with two fingers but the cigar was edited out for the children but that why disney has to have a smoking area.
• the phrase speak of the devil originated in England
• a flock of crows is called a murder
• more money was spent filming the movie titanic than was spent building the actual ship. this is true even taking into consideration inflation 
• birds dont pee
• Karaoke is Japanese for silent orchestra 
• Barney Stinson throughout the entire show of How I Met Your Mother was only shown without a suit 12 times

im sorry

im sad
i dont know why
so im gonna type like this
i wanna cry
im tearing up
idk
i need someone to help
i want chicken
my ears hurt
i feel numb
i think its great how i get excited about small things
it one thing i like about myself
im crying
idk
im thinking about me being happy yet im crying
what is that
isnt that crazy
can you believe youre alive
how freaking cool is that
you can breathe
and just all the things you can do
i heard brain smells like fretos
i want a cat
i was happy
now im sad
im alone
i need to sleep
i havent slept
i want cake
no i dont
do you have that feeling in your chest that no one likes you
like you are a part of someones life but not that important
no one wakes up and thinks of you
you are just there
a person standing in the backround of a strangers picture
isnt that wierd
think about all the photos you are in that you dont even know
a person will take a photo and ur just in the backround
they dont really pay attention to you but you are there
you might just be on someones mantel
apart of someones favorite memory
thats crazy

who thought to milk a cow
who thought to eat a berry
who discovered allergies
like there were people n a peanut farm
"Yea its great they are really good but sometimes
someone will eat one and they will die but its wierd"
"other than that there are no problmes'
idk

Serious Matters Part Two

Today I visted my mom's home. Only reason is because she wasnt home and that pool tho. While I did have a good time it left me taken back by flashbacks. So here we are again with a topic that is to serious for most of my readers.

Trigger warning: Rape, Sexual Assult, and other things of that nature. If you are uncomfortable with this topic thank you for trying to read this but please click away. Stay safe oh and i mention my abuse. If you dont wanna hear that, bye.

Here we are again talking about Rape Culture. Now this is a sensitive topic for me, but I think my case isnt nearly as bad as most. I feel lucky. I dont even believe in luck. Now for me I understand dressing apporiately. I understand not wearing booty shorts or wearing shirts that show off clevage. But I am a teenager. Im learning to love my body but do you understand how hard that is to do when I am told to cover up. How offended I was when my mom told me my shirt was inappropiate, when I was wearing a long sleeve sweatshirt that was off the shoulders. That I am confused when people freak out when my bra strap showing like its the end of the world because a teenage girl is wearing a bra...
I understand that. Okay but the momment when you blame someones rape or assult on what they are wearing I will rain fire on you.

Now, Im going to base the off "boys will be boys" but please understand boys go through the same thing, boys have their struggles that we as a society oppress. I am not belittling them, I am just focasing on once again "Boys will be boys"

Teaching these girls
Hey dont drink to much, watch who pours your drinks
Hey pull down the skirt, Youre showing to much boobs
Hey walk in groups make sure you are never alone
Hey make sure you have pepperment spray within reach
Hey make sure you keep your keys between your fingers ready to attack

"If you’re promoting changes to women’s behavior to “prevent” rape, you’re really saying “make sure he rapes the other girl."

 Why are we focasing on teaching women to prevent rape than teaching the men (yes, i know its both but focasing on the above" not to rape.

From what I learned in my sexual abuse

I was abused while I was naked
I was abused while wearing a crop top and shorts
I was abused wearing just my underwear
I was abused wearing my underwear, a tank top, shorts, and over all of that a onesie.

It is not about what you are wearing if they want it bad enough they dont care. Yes, it is proven that they will look for an easy target. Yes, being drunk might up your chances. But if it was about what we are wearing rape would greatly and when I say greatly i mean GREATLY increase in summer rather than winter. But it doesnt. Yes, it increases slightly but cant we say thats because more people are out and about, out of school, away from protection.

Okay. I am not saying that we should stop teaching prevention for sexual assult.
Im not saying that just teaching "Hey, dont rape"
But we cannot just stand by. I dont know, write a blog, speak your truths. Because this is sad. Idk i lost my thought. Im tired.

TTFN💙

I promise im not that mean

I get dragged for this ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I promise im not that mean. I typed "I love my mom so much" and had to back space. I kinda hope she reads this....

Its hard. I think, may be wrong, but a mom is supposed to support you no matter what. I thought that a mom does anything to protect you. I thought a mom goes out of her way to make you feel loved.

After I came out about my dad I started to live at my grandparents house. My mom and I never really got along but thats another story. Either way, I told about my dad Janurary 22nd, 2018. That night I left, that night I was the one to sleep somewhere else. Not him. And I honestly missed my mom so much more than ever before. So I called her and begged her to come over to cuddle with me and watch the office. She didnt.

She kept askingif i was telling the truth. Kept telling me that maybe it was me dreaming because sometimes people have crazy dreams. She kept saying " Well IF it happened".

Mom it did happen. Im sorry i really really am but i cant help it. I didnt do it. Its not my fault mommy. I wish it didnt happen. But please dont take it out on me. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry.  I hate it. I really do but i thought you said you would be there for me if it happened again. You promised me mom. You promised me and yoiu didnt keep it. You are telling everyone i lied. You are ruining me and i didnt even do it. Everyone hates me mom. Im so alone. I just wanted you to be there for me. I didnt tell because I wanted you to be happy. I would go through it every single day if i could i would go back and not tell. I would get raped, beat, hurt everyday for all of enternity so you could be happy. So my brothers wouldnt know a diffrence. Im supposed to be happy. Im supposed to have a mom and a dad. I have niether. Im so alone. Do you know how screwed up that is. You have hurt me more than he has. More than cj. More than a razor ever could. You couldnt even be bothered to buy me a pageant dress, you almost didnt show up. When i went to the hospital because i was suicidal because i almost bled to death the night before you left me. ALONE. in a hospital. I slept there alone. Becauyse it was superbowl and no one could come visit. Do you know how much that freaking hurts. Do you understand how much it hurts that you care more about Cj coming over than your husbund doing that to me. That I want to die. I dont want to be here.Thats not okay. That you dont call me, that you dont text, that you have yet to visit me. That when I told you for an entire week you had me questioning my sanity. That I have cut myself because of you. That you literally have told every secrect I have intrusted you with to everyone. Yet, when I open my mouth about you Im in the wrong. Thats not okay. I am supposed to your babygirl. He did this to your babygirl. Your daughter wishes she was dead cause you dont believe her.

Im sorry this turned into Dear Mom. But yea. She is fake. She is putting this image out for everyone to see. Its not that i dont want a relationship with my mom. Cause i do. I used to say so mean things to her until she cried because thats the only time she showed emotion. Thats the only time she showed she cared.


Goodnight. This wasnt a good post but im crying to hard to think

TTFN💙

Dear Lucas

      Dear Lucas, I want you to know I love you so much. I wish I didn't have to leave you. As soon as you were born I swore to myself I would protect you and I have failed. You will probably never see this but I want to explain why I basically removed myself from your life. Ever since mom and dad got married I never felt a part of the family, this is becuase if you dont know by now we have diffrent fathers. My real dad or as mom likes to call him, the sperm doner, fled the country and doesnt keep in touch with me. It was always Tricia, Robert, Nathan, Lucas McDill, and Kara Skrapka. Though this may not be the case I always felt that Mom and Dad favored you, gave you more time, more of their love, as did Grandpa and Grandma Mcdill. They espicially love Nathan. I always stayed home when you guys went out, I kept myself at  a distance. I needed more love Lucas, I felt worthless at home.

    Once again I have to tell you how much I love you. Today when you ran into my arms I never wanted to let go. You are my baby, I love you so so so much. Sitting here writing this I want to cry. You are only three and you arent old enough to even care that I am gone. Daddy as far as I can tell loves you so much. But he hurt me, a lot. So I had to move away to stay safe. I worry about you everyday and I pray you will never get hurt by this man or anyother human on this earth. If you do I will murder them. Sometimes when people leave someone elses life the person blames the self. Lucas Kohl this is not your fault. I did this for you, yes, however it is not your fault it is 100% your fathers so blame him.

     I pray and pray and pray you will never go through any of the things ive been through. I also want to say that if when you are older anything that is mine is yours. If you ever get mad at mom and need a place to stay to calm down Im down. I even told mom while i was living there that if you ever wanted to sneak out, when I still had the room with the window until I snuck someone in..oops(Once again blame your dad), I said I would help you sneak out and cover for you. I will always be here for you, though you are kinda turning into nathan which annoys the crap out of me, but whatever.

     Please please forgive me and please dont forget about me. I cant explain to you how much I care for you. You came over and I just watched you sleep because you are so pure and I love it. Also you are the cutest thing, use it.

With love, 

                                                            your big sis -Kara Skrapka

TTFN💙

Im probably gonna get shut down

My grandpa gave my mom the link to this blog so Im probably gonna get in trouble. It was fun while it lasted

Lost boy

I need a place to stay so if you have an extra room or something let me know please...


 I ran away last night.

Well, not really. I was sitting in the dining room watching cavetown on youtube and I started fangirlinmg cause the feeling of having some new content to watch. Its like when I first discovered Twenty One Pilots. And so I say aloud "I AM SO HAPPY"

and i hear my grandma say to my papa "She said she was deppresed like five minutes ago"

*Takes off my headphones*

"What"
"Nothing wasnt talking to you"
"Obvisoubly youre talking about me and you dont want me to hear"

"I said you were sad like 5 min ago"

So I walk into the living room and sit down and explain that overall yes im deppressed however I do have momments where I am happy. I also explain how her comments dont help, I give the example of when I came home from the cruise very much suicidal It hurt my feeling when I expressed those feeling to her she seemed annoyed. She was like "Whatever we arent gonna discuss this"

I walk back and start watching youtube again and my grandma asks where the towl in the hallway bathroom is I respond that it is in the luandrey, to which she replies very snarky "Cause she cant be bothered to put a new one"

Yes, I know this may seem like an over reaction but at this point I am done. So I get up, walk to my room, put on flats, walk out the door, and sit in the driveway. I didnt want to get in an argument and I didnt want it to escalate to the point to where I knew I would want to self harm, so sitting in the drive way at 11:00 at night singing house of gold, I start to cool down. My grandma yells at me to get in the house...

"No"

She goes back in and then a short while later comes back out. "You win You win"

"How do I win"

"Cause I am the one leaving"

"Why"

Blah blah blah skip to later

"It is obvious you dont want me here, that this is a burden on you and im sorry but right now i cant go back in the house"

So there is some grabbing of my jacket trying to drag me into the house, got a little hurt, more scared than hurt but its okay i dont really care. I tell her how she has hurt me. Not just recently but I remember two years ago writing a suicide note because she was telling me "What is wrong with you" and i had no idea what was wrong with me. How she was willing to send me back to an abuse household because she thought I shaved my eyebrows. How while we were out there she called me stupid. How those things hurt. I couldnt go home last night. So I walked over to my friends house and after a little bit of commotion I ended up talking to my friends dad for hours until it was roughly 2 am, slept in a room alone in the dark, and woke up to write this. 

I am so scared guys... I dont know where i want to live... I dont know if i want to live... Im not gonna kill myself but i dont know if im going to strive to keep"Living". You probably dont know what I mean but its okay. \

TTFN💙