What day is it

Here is something I dont really discuss. I have a love hate relationship with food. My entire life people kept telling me to eat more. That i was a twig. That I was too skinny. They would wrap their thumb and pinky around my wrist trying to see if they could make them touch. They would point out that my ribs were showing when I wore a bikini.
That was a couple years ago. Now I hear "you are so lucky to be skinny", "I wish I had your body". No you do not. Because in today's world beautiful is: big boobs, small waist, big butt, but no stretch marks. So no, you do not want my body. The body that made the boys in my 6th grade 1st period class tell me that my chest was so flat it looked like a tabled warped inwards. No you do not want the body that allows people to point out my butt or lack therefore of.
Maybe skinny was beautiful 10 years ago but thick is in. I dont understand why all body types cant be accepted but thats just the way it is.

In the 7th grade I began to starve myself. Not because I wanted to be skinnier, I wanted to hurt. It was fun. No one took notice since I rarely ate before. I would skip out on dinner which was the only meal I ever eat during the school year. I didnt have time for breakfast, school lunch is crap, and at dinner I "had a big lunch, I was full". I loved watching my weight plummet. That lasted only 3 months.

Starting in May of this year I would eat, and eat, and eat to the point where I would want to throw up but i would just ignore it. I wanted to gain weight, wanted to get the boobs all the guys desired. Wanted my body to be acknowledged. In sex ed we watched videos about eating disorders, about anorexia and bulimia. I wasnt bulimic because I didnt throw up. I realized my eating disordered was just considered a binge that didnt end.
I stopped doing this on June 17. I was on the cruise and became very depressed and suicidal. I had nothing to do so I would stay in my cabin and sleep. This caused me to miss most meals. When I did come out of my room and eat I would become sick to my stomach. I stopped eating. I went 3 days with only eating a candy bar and a plate of fries.

Im now at a point where i dont know if I want to lose or gain weight. I hate my stomach. Its not flat. I see these girls from my school in bikinis with flat defined stomachs and I look 2 months pregnant. This makes me not want to eat. Then I remember that I dont want to look like a 5 year old the rest of my life and want to eat to get boobs. I dont know. Ill let you know when I decide.

TTFN💙