Lost boy

I need a place to stay so if you have an extra room or something let me know please...


 I ran away last night.

Well, not really. I was sitting in the dining room watching cavetown on youtube and I started fangirlinmg cause the feeling of having some new content to watch. Its like when I first discovered Twenty One Pilots. And so I say aloud "I AM SO HAPPY"

and i hear my grandma say to my papa "She said she was deppresed like five minutes ago"

*Takes off my headphones*

"What"
"Nothing wasnt talking to you"
"Obvisoubly youre talking about me and you dont want me to hear"

"I said you were sad like 5 min ago"

So I walk into the living room and sit down and explain that overall yes im deppressed however I do have momments where I am happy. I also explain how her comments dont help, I give the example of when I came home from the cruise very much suicidal It hurt my feeling when I expressed those feeling to her she seemed annoyed. She was like "Whatever we arent gonna discuss this"

I walk back and start watching youtube again and my grandma asks where the towl in the hallway bathroom is I respond that it is in the luandrey, to which she replies very snarky "Cause she cant be bothered to put a new one"

Yes, I know this may seem like an over reaction but at this point I am done. So I get up, walk to my room, put on flats, walk out the door, and sit in the driveway. I didnt want to get in an argument and I didnt want it to escalate to the point to where I knew I would want to self harm, so sitting in the drive way at 11:00 at night singing house of gold, I start to cool down. My grandma yells at me to get in the house...

"No"

She goes back in and then a short while later comes back out. "You win You win"

"How do I win"

"Cause I am the one leaving"

"Why"

Blah blah blah skip to later

"It is obvious you dont want me here, that this is a burden on you and im sorry but right now i cant go back in the house"

So there is some grabbing of my jacket trying to drag me into the house, got a little hurt, more scared than hurt but its okay i dont really care. I tell her how she has hurt me. Not just recently but I remember two years ago writing a suicide note because she was telling me "What is wrong with you" and i had no idea what was wrong with me. How she was willing to send me back to an abuse household because she thought I shaved my eyebrows. How while we were out there she called me stupid. How those things hurt. I couldnt go home last night. So I walked over to my friends house and after a little bit of commotion I ended up talking to my friends dad for hours until it was roughly 2 am, slept in a room alone in the dark, and woke up to write this. 

I am so scared guys... I dont know where i want to live... I dont know if i want to live... Im not gonna kill myself but i dont know if im going to strive to keep"Living". You probably dont know what I mean but its okay. \

TTFN💙