Not today

I cant continue this blog for the next couple days. My deppression is eating me up and its taking all of my energy. It is taking everything I have to get up out of bed, sitting here writing this im weak, im tired, and I just wanna go to sleep. Yesterday I was so happy to start writing about Kurt Cobain but it honestly doesnt matter. He is dead suicide or not he is dead no going back no changing it. And like my grandparents pointed out to me numerous times there is no reason why i should be writing about it or having an intrest in things that dont matter. Its not like anyone actrually cares about this blog. Maybe it would be different if this actrually meant something to someone. But i have to beg my close friends to read it. I have to physically pull it up on my family members phones or they wont ever take a look. Im pretty sure my mom doesnt even know i have this blog.


In conclusion, I cant right now. All my energy has to go in me eating and taking a shower. Cause today is the first time I showered in days and that took most of my energy. Im just to tired, to exausted from fighting the battles in my head. Last night I lost the battle... maybe ill win the war at somepoint... maybe

TTFN💙

Dear Bestfriend

I love you more than I love myself. I would do anything for you. Im sorry that I screwed things up. Im sorry you are mad at me but I wouldnt change a single thing I did last night. I dont care what u say. I will always do as much as I can to make sure you are safe. I know you hate me, I hate me more than you do. I know you never want to talk to me again and im fine with that. I would rather u hate my guts than u die loving me with all your heart. I love you.

Kurt Cobain's Death..... Part 1. The note

Today's blog post is going to be little different. We are going to discuss a conspiracy theory. Now let it be said me writing about this does not mean I believe this theory. I just think its good to think independently and look deeper than the surface.

To start off this is my very first conspiracy theory: The suicide of Kurt Cobain.
For you uncultured swines Kurt Cobain was in the band Nirvana. On April 5th, 19994 the 27 year old was found dead from a 'suicide' from a shotgun. Kurt's body had heroin in it's system which made sense since he dealt with drug abuse for a while.

Okay this is going deeper than I thought so let me guide you through my thoughts this far along.

I dont even know where to begin.

The sketchiest thing to me is the suicide note. The first part of the note looked like Kurt's handwriting, looked like he was calm and it was basically a letter to his fans saying that he was leaving Nirvana. It wasnt until the very end of the note did it become a stereotypical suicide note.
Now what would a suicide note consist of so that when someone reads it they think they know for 100% certainty "Oh this is a suicide note"?

"Note-leavers sometimes feel a need to say something to someone they’ve left behind, whether a harsh word, an apology, an explanation, or just a to-do list. The form might be a single phrase, several pages, a series of Post-it notes, or even a videotape."

Side note: THE FACT THAT I LOOKED UP "what does a stereotypical suicide note have" IN GOOGLE AND CLICKED IMAGES TO FIND EXAMPLES AND THE FIRST IMAGE IS THIS: 

I AM SHAKING IM SO MAD LIKE!!!!
Look at this

You can clearly see the diffrence in handwriting. Also in the documentary about Kurt Cobain's death, Soaked In Bleach , Time stamp 1:06:35, this is found in Courtney Love's (Kurts wife)

Basically a practice of tracing Kurt Cobain's handwriting. Why would Courtney Love need to trace Kurt's handwriting well I have no idea...

Wait now I freaking remember.


This is all for today. Just a little taste of what is to come. Down below I will leave articles, videos, and picture links in case you want to do research. Fill free to send me an email Kskrapka@gmail.com or comment below if you find anything of interest. I will also leave a printed version of the 'Suicide note' so you can read it.

TTFN💙

Kurt Cobain Article

Kurt Cobain Documentary!! Soaked In Bleach

Suicide note

https://www.google.com/search?q=what+does+a+stereotypical+suicide+note+have&safe=active&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj9r8mO_PnbAhXpx1kKHf1UC_cQ_AUICigB&biw=1366&bih=613#imgrc=n6fcgtX3PHGroM:

Kurt and Courtney (Another movie)

"To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!"

My favorite things

• The sound of a crisp fire at a fall bonfire with a guitar playing and everyone singing while roasting marshmallows
• The way you make my name sound like the most beautiful thing
• An unused notebook ready for brilliance
• The excitement of opening a wrapped gift
• The first dusting of snow
• The way the sun looks right before lending the moon a spot in the sky
• Your smile after I say something stupid
• The color yellow
• Tyler Joseph screaming hope into my ears
• The way Sherlock Holmes secretly worries about John
• How much Barney loves Robin
• The moments where you wake up and for a second you forget everything wrong in the world
• The echoing click of heels walking down an empty hallway
• The way you can hear your moms heart beat when she is holding you close
• Hearing the coffee brew in the morning
• you in general
• The new car smell
• The moment when a newborn baby wraps their hand around your finger
• Watching my brother Lucas sleep peacefully unaware that his world is falling apart
• Listening to his soft breath(Lucas)
• The relief you feel after telling someone you havent started a project and they say "Me too"
• The motivation that comes along with going Back to school shopping
• Falling asleep on Facetime
• People with a British accent
• French
• The laugh at the end of the song Johnny Boyhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_1kiq1MSJg
• Baking cookies at 1am
• Getting a build a bear
• Going to a bookstore
• Being at walmart at an ungodly hour
• Peeling the plastic off a new phone
• Did i mention your smile because i really love it
• Cheese and grapes
• The way it feels to wake up to a morning paragraph
• Redecorating 
• The smell of an old book
• The feeling of laughing so hard it hurts
• Having breakfast for dinner
• The way I can someone smile while they talk on the phone
• The sound of keys on a type writer
• Soft lips
• Over sized sweaters that go past your arms and you can hold them like... yea
• Walking barefoot in grass on a summer day
• The first day of trying to get your life together. Drinking lemon water and having a face routine
• Getting your nails done
• Seeing that someone commented on your blog post
• Knowing that someone read this far down.

Some of my favorite things

TTFN💙

Storms

I am currently sitting in the dining room writing this blog post slowly sipping my coffee while being in a green striped onesie with a frog on the butt., and we cant of course forget my hipster glasses. It is supposed to storm realty freaking bad so I am gonna post a rainy day playlist on my music blog. Which can be found in the link below or next to the home button on the main screen on my blog.karasmusictaste.blogspot.com 

It just started pouring. My dog BoyBoy (yes i know, we will discuss the name at a later time) is outside and i feel bad. I let him in. 

I think im gonna make a YouTube video of me covering Riptide because currently that is my signature song.

Let me grab my book. *Flips to random page*

When was the last time you pulled an all nighter.

The most recent time I havent gone to sleep till like 7 was when I had multiple Panic attacks throughout the night so I decided to clean my room. I reorganized, took everything out of my room into the living room and wiped everything down.

The last time I didnt go to sleep until the next night was back in 5th grade. If you know me in real life you know ive had like 6 surgeries on my ears. Well I had a really bad ear infection and couldnt sleep. So my best friends at the time stayed up with me on facetime and in a group text on instagram until the next morning.

TTFN💙

Whatever today is

                      I slept till 5pm today. I went to Target and bought glasses, let me explain why this is a big thing for me. From the day I started to notice my flaws I became incredible insecure with my nose. In pics I would never turn to the side, I tried my best to look at my crush head on so they almost never saw the side of my face. Glasses to me made my nose look even bigger. I always wanted to hop on the trends of glasses. Nerd glasses back in 2015 and now 'hipster' and Harry Potter glasses. However, my insecurities always got the best of me. Well the day before I left for my vacation I found these pair of gold clear lensed glasses and I hesitantly tried them on. I kinda liked them and I actually wanted to buy them. Me, the girl who barely started to be able to look at videos where i am turned to the side. So I bought them today and I still have some getting used to but i think i love them.So yea.

Question of the day:

*flips to random page*

How do you react when someone compliments you?

*Kara walking down the street*
Random girl: "I love your hair it is so cute it fits your face so perfectly"
Kara: *Questions whether to fight her on lieing or just say thanks cause u have to hurry*
*Laughs* Thanks but I honestly hate it
Random girl: "NOOO ITS SO CUTE"
Kara:  I look like a lesbian (A hot lesbian according to some)

Some person I know but not well but i see them often but they are an adult so we dont talk much: Tricia(My mom) she looks so grown up.

*Hears mention of me so I run to go listen*

Person: You are so so so beautiful and getting so tall

Me: *Looks up(down*) at my mom. *whispers* " What do I say, do I say thank you"

Mom: "yes you say thank you why wouldnt you"

Me: She's wrong

Mom: just say it

*Person just standing there waiting*

Me: Thank you.

Serious Matters

1. • 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

2. Rape 

   It is 2018 and im so mad this is still a thing. No this isnt some idk. I know people get annoyed by these topics but guys, its real. Now most of my ( 2 ) readers are teens and we get credited for knowing nothing. Hey, I pay attention I know things.

   
   

   For you who dont know rape culture is defined as "a society or environment whose prevailing social attitudes have the effect of normalizing or trivializing sexual assault and abuse."

   
   

   Okay I said I know things but I dont. All I know is what ive seen in my short lifetime. In my life time I've seen people tell rape victims that their rape was there fault.

   Okay im not gonna focus on my experience lets look at facts.

   60% of rapes dont get reported to police.

   97% of rapist wont spend a day in jail... but thats because they arent reported *I reported sexual assault to DFCS and police and was basically told i made it up*

   A THIRD OF COLLEGE MEN LITERALLY ADMITTED THAT THEY WOULD RAPE SOMEONE IF THEY KNEW THEY WOULDNT GET CAUGHT!

   
   

   I have to stop writing until tomorrow. sorry not like anyone reads this

   
   

   
   

Cringe

I dont know where this post is going i just hope i find it along the way. 

Imma start off with a daily book question. *Flips to random page* OKAYYYYYYY*Finds page reads question, flips to another page*

What is the best pick up line you know

First lets discuss what I like in a pick up line

• Cliche-ness
• Cuteness
• Awkwardness 

I FOUND ONE!!

"They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well apparently, no one has ever been standing next to you." https://thoughtcatalog.com/rania-naim/2016/04/50-hilarious-cheesy-pick-up-lines-that-will-definitely-make-your-crush-smile/

I love this so freaking much!  This would definetly make me blush,look down at the ground, and instantly fall in love with you. (Please dont say this to me I dont wanna fall in love with you)

TTFN💙

This should be fun

So I went to 5 below and I bought this book
Im distracted watching James Charles So I apologize.
Its 300 writing prompts soooooooo I have decided to base a part of my blog post everyday on a question or two from the book along with my daily rants.
To start off I flipped to a random paged and got this prompt:
Why do you think some people are successful in life and others are not?
My first thought was how do we even define success. To some a successful is being happy, being rich, or even just being alive. The real definition:

suc·cess

səkˈses/

noun

noun: success; plural noun: successes

1. the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.

   
   

   "the president had some success in restoring confidence"

   synonyms:

   favorable outcome, successfulness, successful result, triumph; Hollywood ending "the success of the scheme"

   antonyms:

   failure

   • the attainment of popularity or profit.

     
     

     "the success of his play"

     synonyms:

     prosperity, affluence, wealth, riches, opulence "the trappings of success"

     antonyms:

     poverty

   • a person or thing that achieves desired aims or attains prosperity.

     
     

     "I must make a success of my business"

     synonyms:

     triumph, bestseller, blockbuster, sellout; More

     antonyms:

     failure, flop, nobody

   • archaic

     the outcome of an undertaking, specified as achieving or failing to achieve its aims.

     
     

     "the good or ill success of their maritime enterprises"
   • So success in one's life is if they accomplished their goals. We as an outsider to someones life don't have to right to deem one's life as successful or not, because their life goal could have been to have a family, it could even be to become a world renowned druggie. If they are content and pleased with what they have done with their life they are by definition successful, and I for one agree completely with that.
2. TTFN (Ta ta for now)

Good afternoon

 There is a personality test that is supposed to be really accurate so I took it. It's called 16 personalities and basically you take this somewhat thought provoking test about how you live your day to day life, what you like, how you act, and how you think. The link will be below if you wanna take it.
.https://www.16personalities.com
After taking the test with the help of others (so it is more accurate) it concluded my personality type was: ESFP aka: The entertainer
Now when I this i was a little surprised but I can see it in me. I mean I carry around a ukulele wherever I go, I never shut up, and I quote songs on the daily.
However, before writing this post I looked into my personality type more and found this:
Entertainers are the most likely personality type to always try to look for the bright side.

HA YOU THOUGHT

Okay, Im a realist. I don't focas on the bad side, nor do I focus on the brightide. I look at a situation at what it is. Im logical, well apparently not.
         Side note: Im distracted cause im watching Shane Dawson be overly gay
Okay im gonna try to focus

When you open the ESFP article the first thing you read is a quote.

"I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you surely don’t deserve me at my best.-Marilyn Monroe"

 I instantly began to hate my self even more. It sounds so ignorant but so true.

The only thing Im happy about is cause im 'aesthetic' and if you know me in real life that is my life goal. Also according to this sight i cant keep a relationship which to me is scary cause im a person who cannot be alone. Im meant to be married to have the picture perfect family. Though their thoughts of ESPF's in parenthood are aligned with my thoughts of how i would raise my kids. Not wanting them to have the same shortcoming as i did.

To go in more detail an ESFP is

Extraversion (E) ,Sensing (S), Feeling (F), Perception (P)

I would not have thought of myself to be an extrovert (an outgoing, overtly expressive person) over being an introvert(a shy, reticent person.)
Sensing: Im very empathetic and i feel im that way cause i know how it feels to be sad to be hurt and i dont want anyone feeling that way ever. I put myself into their shoes, i cry at movies can its like im that person.
Feeling: Im so extra
Perception: According to a couple of sites, my feelings are introverted. From what I have gathered this part of my personality is what can cause me to be selfish and where i get my sensitivity. 

Extroverted Sensing with Introverted Feeling

This is all for today. Im going to see my husband (Chris Pratt) in theaters and need to get dressed.

TTFN💙💙(Ta Ta for now)

A quick update

The only thing I had to look forward to is over but it was fun. I went on an 8 day cruise got to visit my place of origin, Puerto Rico, and got to experience other cultures in Grand Turk and the Dominican Republic. When I have a family my children are gonna have culture. They aren't gonna be little brats they are gonna speak Spanish and eat the food I provide for them. 

I know I haven't posted much but I'm going into a depressive cycle. I'm going to post more and I'm considering writing a book. You can comment or email me any ideas that you think would be a good novel. 

Currently I'm laying in a cot in Philadelphia waiting for Chloe, my cousin, to get dressed so I can put some clothes on. I'm so cold, so lonely, so random😂.

TTFN❤️

(ta ta for now)