Enjoy this awful cover of Im Yours

THIS IS SOOOOO BAD BUT IDC I WAS RUSHED AND JUST WOKE UP 

Me singing in a bathtub

My first ever youtube video, is this disgrace... smh

Yellow

After I cleaned my room today, my grandma gave me a small bag of stuff that she got me the day before. Inside was string lights, socks, razors, and concealer. Now the socks ( I got two pairs) were yellow and black. I love the color yellow. These are my new favorite socks.So I hung up my lights, put on my over sized yellow sweatshirt that I absolutely adore, put on my yellow socks, pulled up Dodie Clark on YouTube and felt the aesthetics flow throughout my body.

I never really had a favorite color till a little while ago. I knew that I did not like pink. I also thought that orange, yellow, green, and brown made for very bad favorite colors. I used to say I hate the color green, but I dont; I hate the idea of green, its such an icky color in my head. In the real world green is the color of life, the color of the pageant dress I wore in 6th and 8th grade that looked so good against my skin, green is beautiful. However, I never really had a favorite color.

I always said my favorite color was black, I was so emo. My mom would always say it was cause it was the only color I would wear... I just didnt want to stand out I guess. I started to like the color yellow when I began to thrive to be aesthetic. I loved yellow based eye-shadow looks, I loved seeing sunflower, dandelions, lemons, outfits, everything yellow be so pleasing.

I also began to realize how happy yellow made me.

The song Truce by Twenty One Pilots saved me many times. It became an anthem for me to cry out in times of pain. The first lines in the song are: "Now the night is coming to an end. The sun will rise and we will try again.". I always loved sun rises. The beauty of the sky has always captivated me, and this line of the song hit me hard. Because we have new chances every day to start over to try again, to be a better person. This song was presented by this symbol:

Half a sun coming up. Now, I have a scar on my wrist, from cutting,it is a single straight line. I would draw a line over it along with half a sun coming out of the line with rays. Under the line I would write Stay Alive |-/. This was my motto. Well, Twenty One Pilots' motto.

And it worked.

This all connects I promise and It is one thirty in the morning and I feel so lost and so empty I just cant with myself I will hurry and finish this post.

Yellow is not only a beautiful and vibrant color, it also is the color of the sun. The same sun the is oh so basic but creates such beauty. The sun that will rise over and over again so you have a new start, a fresh beginning. Don't you agree Yellow is such a lovely color.

TTFN💙

Here are things

Watch this video and you will understand me more I promise.

What my depression feels like
This is exactly how i feel. I wish i could do this. Put thoughts into words.

The fact that I cant order food at restaurants

That Im so so so so tired right now but I dont wanna close the computer screen because I will be left alone to the dark.

That i dont even wanna go to sleep because- then to next day will come faster

That Im planning on how to get out of tomorrow's activities

That I almost cried today because I went into the store by myself and tried to buy something and i was 10 cents short and was so embarrassed that I just kept apologizing to the girl.

That I will eat the entire water melon. I will eat the green part so I dont have to get up to throw it away cause I dont want people watching me walk.

That I would rather wipe my running nose onto my shirt than get up in class and have to go ask someone for some tissue or where the bathroom is.

That I will start to have anxiety and will start freaking out if my mom asks me to take my little brother to the bathroom while out eating.

That every single day when we take attendance, I practice saying "Here" in my mind about 200 times and then when I say it, I think that I sounded weird and ponder over it for the next 30 minutes.

Breathing is a chore. Breathing. When I am breathing I think to myself, am I breathing to loud, am I breathing to fast? To which I focus on my breathing causing me to breathe even faster cause I held my breathe for to long.

That I have to constantly have a phone in my hand. This is not because Im obsessed with it, sometimes I am not even using it, just turning it on and off and on and off because in social situations that is my security blanket something I can hold on to, something grounding.

I cannot call anyone for the life of me. I dont know how to end a conversation or keep one going. I forget what I am ordering from the Chinese restaurant.

Okay I have to get dressed

TTFN💙  

What The Future Holds.

So my plan for the future is ruined. I was either going to take cosmotology classes at South or graduate in a year at Penn Foster and start college. Well someone who doesnt care about my feeling and plans decided to put me in k12 Georgia Cyber Academy.

I thought I wanted to be a cosmetologist, start my own business but I really dont. I dont want to cut hair. I want to something that takes my passions and creates something meaningful and fulfilling.

I took a sketchy career test and here are the results listed to highly fit to and down:

1. Communications
2. Buisness
3. Multimedia
4. Education
5. Social Science
6. The Arts (how is this all the way down here)
7. Culinary 
8. Finance 
9. Technology
10. Legal

The test's results also ranked my ideal work environment from most ideal to ewe:

• Client Facing
• Collaborative
• Outdoors

May I say that in order for it to be something you should considered it is said that the interest  level should be at least at 60%

Client facing: 66.67

Collaborative:33.3%

Out doors: 0%

If you know me, you know I prefer to work alone I hate trying to spare someones feelings when they are wrong, I also like control with my work. My way or no way. In other aspects I hate control and would have anyone decide any decision. 

I love the arts, I love math, I love talking to people, and Im very tech savy. I have experience in web design, photography, anything with editing. So I think thats what I am going to do.

Then again, I cant even drive yet. I have time, but in the mean time I should take some graphic electives. Hmmm

TTFN💙

Slumber party

So today was amazing. The beginning of it sucked. But as the day progressed it got increasingly better. I found some Adidas pants and brand new white keds at Goodwill which is great since Im not getting a back to school haul like the majority of people. Then when I got home a package that I have been waiting excitedly for arrived and I was not disappointed with its contents in the slightest, also Twenty One Pilots dropped a music video for their new song Nico and the Niners in which they included a scene of them doing the same handshake from their stressed out video. So over all today has been one of the best in a while.

My little cousin Jordan is sleeping with me tonight because I being the chill person I am, I let him stay up with my and eat junk food that I have stored away. This boy is super smart he is only in 1st grade but he is reading along to this as I write which is really impressive

mommy i love you the most

I had him write a sentence by himself so i can show you guys how amazingly smart he is.

That is all for tonight.

TTFN💙

What day is it

Here is something I dont really discuss. I have a love hate relationship with food. My entire life people kept telling me to eat more. That i was a twig. That I was too skinny. They would wrap their thumb and pinky around my wrist trying to see if they could make them touch. They would point out that my ribs were showing when I wore a bikini.
That was a couple years ago. Now I hear "you are so lucky to be skinny", "I wish I had your body". No you do not. Because in today's world beautiful is: big boobs, small waist, big butt, but no stretch marks. So no, you do not want my body. The body that made the boys in my 6th grade 1st period class tell me that my chest was so flat it looked like a tabled warped inwards. No you do not want the body that allows people to point out my butt or lack therefore of.
Maybe skinny was beautiful 10 years ago but thick is in. I dont understand why all body types cant be accepted but thats just the way it is.

In the 7th grade I began to starve myself. Not because I wanted to be skinnier, I wanted to hurt. It was fun. No one took notice since I rarely ate before. I would skip out on dinner which was the only meal I ever eat during the school year. I didnt have time for breakfast, school lunch is crap, and at dinner I "had a big lunch, I was full". I loved watching my weight plummet. That lasted only 3 months.

Starting in May of this year I would eat, and eat, and eat to the point where I would want to throw up but i would just ignore it. I wanted to gain weight, wanted to get the boobs all the guys desired. Wanted my body to be acknowledged. In sex ed we watched videos about eating disorders, about anorexia and bulimia. I wasnt bulimic because I didnt throw up. I realized my eating disordered was just considered a binge that didnt end.
I stopped doing this on June 17. I was on the cruise and became very depressed and suicidal. I had nothing to do so I would stay in my cabin and sleep. This caused me to miss most meals. When I did come out of my room and eat I would become sick to my stomach. I stopped eating. I went 3 days with only eating a candy bar and a plate of fries.

Im now at a point where i dont know if I want to lose or gain weight. I hate my stomach. Its not flat. I see these girls from my school in bikinis with flat defined stomachs and I look 2 months pregnant. This makes me not want to eat. Then I remember that I dont want to look like a 5 year old the rest of my life and want to eat to get boobs. I dont know. Ill let you know when I decide.

TTFN💙    

Outside things

(Written this morning)
im currently sitting outside. With depression you need to feel things to reassure yourself that you are in fact still alive.

what i see:

• The sun's rays broken up by the pine trees
• A rusted blue ford truck that is oh so pretty
• Pink flowers in the mist of about 20 dead ones.
• The soft waves of the creek.
• a slug thats sitting next to me... i found 5 more slugs. I think they are a family.
• A cardinal that is really really I dont know it is so pretty and I already used pretty in describing something but this bird's feathers are the color of my cheeks after you call me cute, the color of the wine my mom drinks after a long day, the color of the blood that gives life. So gorgeous. It flew past me and I just looked at it in awe
• There is a copper frog about the size of a half dollar sitting at my feet
• A tiny ant making its way up the railing of the stairs
• A spider web glistening in the suns light. Moving back and forth with the morning's breeze.

What I hear:

• Birds singing 
• The faint whisper of the creek
• The hum of the neighbor's AC
• Dodie Clark singing in my earphones
• Rustling of trees as the morning birds wisp through them

What I feel: 

• The sun's glow warming my cheeks, it's making me smile
• The cold stairs I am sitting on
• The morning fog's dampness on my legs
• The warmth of my coffee mug

What I smell:

• The freshly cut lawn
• The morning dew on each blade of grass
• The sweet smell of petrichor after the night's rain 

pet·ri·chor

ˈpeˌtrīkôr/

noun

1. a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather.

   
   

   "other than the petrichor emanating from the rapidly drying grass, there was not a trace of evidence that it had rained at all"

• The french vanilla steam coming from my coffee

What I taste:

• The warm coffee that ive been running on for two days straight, making its way to my stomach warming up an empty pit

TTFN💙

Heyy

Hey guys, if you couldnt tell by me not posting in 6 days, things are getting bad in the head of Kara.
This blog is called Inside The Head of Kara Skrapka because I planned to use thisas my therapy. I know some of the things I share on this blog can be considered over sharing but I dont care. Ive been told that somethings shouldnt be said to the public. Well, it is my life and my choice. I feel that if I can put my life out here, allowing you to see that we are all human that I have good days and bad days. Hopefully this will turn into a success story of how I grew from my shortcomings. That I came back stronger so I will continue to share.

I feel terrible. I was so proud of myself cause I showered yesterday. There are days you just know its going to be a bad day. My head is foggy. I feel numb. I cant think. I cant sleep. I woke up at 3 am and havent slept since. I have become frustrated because I cant express how im feeling. I sat on the floor the other day, ukulele in hand, crying because I wanted to put my feelings into words and I couldnt. So I just strummed and cried.

Then there are times I cant even cry. There is an anchor in m chest, the pressure in my head increases. I need to cry, I want to cry but I cant.

Just letting you know. In case I disappear for a bit. Im dealing with stuff.

TTFN💙

Kurt Cobain's Death Pt2

Kurt Cobain was found in his greenhouse in Seattle, WA. Inside Kurt was on the ground, grasping a gun in his left hand, with a shot to the head. His heroin and his supplies were neatly put away next to him. The door to the greenhouse was locked from the inside.

200 mg were injected into Kurt's body. This is 3 times more than the lethal amount.If anything was gonna kill Kurt it wouldve been the drugs. Kurt would have been way to high if not unconscious to be able to clean and put away his heroin tubes and needles. Way to high to have pulled the trigger.

Kurt Cobain was found grasping the gun in his left hand. If he were to have shot himself then the shell wouldve have also been found to his left. However, the shell was laying on his right side. "when as the SPD report states "the Remington 20 gauge shotgun was lying on victim's chest with the receiver facing up." If the receiver was facing up, then in that position the shell would have ejected in the direction of Cobain's right arm rather than his left". (New clues emerge in police review of Cobain suicide file)

The door to his greenhouse was locked from the inside, with no evidenced of forced entry. So how could it have been a suicide. The lock on the door was a simple twisty lock. Not a deadbolt or a latch. The killer couldve simple opened the door,locked it, and closed it.


This was short. But long overdue. More to come.

TTFN💙

A rose growing in cement

In 7th grade we were given different poems to base a narrative on. I received this one. I saw hope in this poem as a glowing theme. Something beautiful dealing with hardship doing everything it can to hold onto life in a world of cement.  

I wrote about suicide, my mom also received a phone call from my guidance counselor, which  I took as a compliment saying my writing was convincingly good. 

     In short, the girl in my poem had a hard life. Her parents were divorced, her dad an alcoholic. She dealt with depression and anxiety and was going to kill herself that night. As she was walking, lost in thought, finalizing her goodbyes in her head, she saw a rose growing in the cracks of cement. She stopped and looked at this flower. The rose was beautiful, it was slouching over a little bit, in need of water, but it was alive. The girl took this as a sign, as a sign of hope. For, if this rose could grown when no one else cared she too could survive. 

I know there is no conclusion to the post. I dont know 

TTFN💙